One of the best parts of living with a shaman is that I get to experience all these impromptu healings. Last night Aemen finished a brand new elixir that she made especially for a woman who experienced sexual trauma. It's called Healing Chalice. It's a synergy of herbs, flower essences, and crystal essences into which she invoked all the prayers from all the women in the world for all the women in the world.
I was taking a very hot, very needed salt bath with warm candles and spruce oil when she came in and asked if she could add the gem essences for her new blend to my bath. The timing was amazing because I was currently listening to a song I had recorded earlier in the week titled Cowboys which was about healing my sexuality and past issues that I had dealt with as a young man. I'll be candid: I was extremely promiscuous in my teens and early twenties - to a debilitating degree. I let just about anyone into my sexual energy and I often felt ravaged, exhausted, and more alone than just being alone.
I wrote an album in 2009 called The Man Who Fell In Love With The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon inspired by a book called The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon. The book was such a wild, shamanic, poetic explanation to a generation of men and people being born two-spirited with defined masculine and feminine roles and where they absence of their fathers really traumatized and wounded them deeply into their hearts and DNAs.
So as I'm re-recording the songs for digital release and listening to a specific one about healing sexuality Aemen asks me if I'd like her Healing Chalice blend for my second chakra. I nearly imbibed the whole load! Instead, I let her calmly pour the cold water over my very hot pelvis and, like sage smoke, I felt it creeping its cold, deep tentacles through every single pore in my sexual organs and waist. It felt very healing, very cleansing, and I did a small prayer and let the bath water, which was know holding old, stuck energy, empty deep into the ground.
I dried off from the bath, cuddled on the couch with Aemen, jotted down some ideas, and drank a fresh, hot cup of dandelion root tea before going off to bed. Then I dreamt a long, deep, healing dream. My mother was driving a long van-like vehicle that had a steering wheel and windshield in the back and front (duality/sharing power). My father and I were in the back and he was entertaining me by pretending to drive the car, but my mother had dismantled his wheel so her's was the only functioning one. The car gently transformed into this tiny pod-like capsule that only my father and I could fit in. We were intimately snugged together as he drove us through these long, dark stone walls that seemed to go hundreds of feet into the ground. Much like a labyrinth. We kept going deeper, darker, and in greater circles, turns, and spellbinding patterns but I never felt scared or worried we'd be lost. He made me feel so safe, so secure. We were having so much fun.
We eventually returned above ground and, as we hurried home to meet my mother for her birthday, I realized that two realms were intertwining. The realm of 2004 and the current realm of 2015. I was about to go to a birthday party with my ex-fiance and everyone from my "old life" that I no longer felt connected to while I knew just across the border in New York was my new, magical life with Aemen and our soon-to-be baby, friends, business, and mountains. My father, Aemen, and I sat in a beach house and ate crab and lobster sandwiches while trying to figure out a way I could break it to everyone that I was from a future realm and I couldn't be part of their experience anymore.
Then I woke up.
What a chalice of healing!!! My dream was not just a dream, but a reawakening and total ritual for my Spirit and, most likely, DNA. That long, dark, stone-walled, labyrinth was no doubt the abandoned and even shamed parts of my sexuality, mind, and Spirit that my father walked through with me an healed. You see, I only grew up in a matriarch. My mother, aunt, and grandmothers were all I had for most of my childhood. Without a father, one never gets initiated into manhood, male sexuality, and all the power and healing that comes with it. One never learns what to do with that solar torch of puberty. Without fathers, we don't know how to honor it, control it, or use it to heal. The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon has a character name Shed who is a fatherless Ingin boy and a prostitute and along comes Dellwood Barker who is a handsome, bi-sexual Cowboy who teaches him how to use his sexual energy for love and healing - to the extent that they use his semen at one point in the book to save their friend's amputated legs.
The book is an intense drama of the "piss in the wind" because they don't have the father, the male elders, to pass them the torch and teach them how to use it. In my dream last night, my father finally passed me the torch and I was able to cut away my old realm once and for all and enter my current one fully with a more developed heart and a more deeply healed sacral chakra.
The second chakra is so different from the first. The first (root chakra) is male energy. It's a dagger, it's physical, it's explosive, it's focused and motivated and good at accomplishing, grounding, and being material. The second chakra (sacral) is like a chalice or a bowl. It's a place of healing, feminine waters. It's female sexuality. Male sexuality is the explosive catalyst: powerful, fast, and life affirming. Female sexuality is the actual creation. It's slow, deep, nurturing, and has the ability to use the male energy to then build a whole new body for a whole new Spirit, or hold the pain of others and let their feminine waters wash it clean. Healing the second chakra can mean healing sexual traumas, healing the relationship between inspiration and action, healing the feminine parts of us and activating them, and becoming deeper, slower, and more connected to our intuition.
Sexual abuse is such a general term. It can take on many forms depending on a person's boundaries. For me, I thought it was impossible. I thought because I had no sexual boundaries that I was exempt from the possibility of becoming sexually wounded. The truth is, having no sexual boundaries was my form of sexual abuse - self inflicted. It wasn't the strangers, dysfunctional love triangles, affairs, or my absent father. It was how I identified with sex. I separated my heart and emotions from my physical body. Looking back, it was because I would have had a breakdown if I was in touch with my emotions at the time, so I had to shut them out. Storing my heart away while being intimate for so many years induced a form of soul loss in me. I was totally lost. I didn't know how to feel love and I especially didn't know how to express love with my body. That's all changed now.
Now the heart can orgasm. Now the tears can flow when I feel sad, insecure, or ecstatic and inspired! Now I am able to put my ego aside and be a vulnerable person. I feel so blessed to have this intense relationship with Aemen, to have incredible healers and friends in my life, and have the willingness to be open enough to let go of my ego and heal what is wounded. To relinquish shame - that sticky, messy substance that keeps us stuck in time feeling hopeless and obstructing our view to our greater selves. Most of all, I feel honored that a new soul has chose Aemen and I to be their parents and I am so thrilled to walk with them through life and pass them every torch that I've since learned how to light.
While writing and thinking of my dream, I couldn't help but hear the song How To Be Invisible by Kate Bush. Have a listen if you'd like.