I said I would send out my thoughts about Donald Trump and, in doing so, I hope it brings some ease and clarity to everyone's beautiful minds. I don't often comment on political or social issues. I like to remain unbiased for my clients and I don't like to get wrapped up in the media-induced hypes. However, I find this current shift in our political system an amazing healing opportunity, perhaps even a healing crisis, and I feel, both, compelled and enthusiastic to speak out about it.
Trump's election has triggered people in a way I've never seen before. He has created intellectual and emotional conflict in our country and he hasn't even taken office yet. This is powerful stuff. But why?
The work I do everyday is about going into the shadows, the unknown. That's where vulnerability lies and that's where we find the parts of ourselves that we do not like. The crisis is when we discover that what we thought is true about ourselves is simply a story we tell, our egos are shattered, and we lose control. The healing is when we welcome that loss of control and integrate our old, familiar selves with the new story.
This is what is happening in America right now. We are being confronted with a story that we thought was dead. We thought we were beyond this and that it couldn't possibly happen again. We feel like we're going backwards. I don't really believe we are or we will go backwards, but I believe these ideas that are being provoked by Donald Trump are necessary to create a healing crisis to heal our country, communities, and our selves.
The under belly, the shadow, the darkness - whatever you wish to call it is coming out through a man who is so easy to project hate onto. It's arguable that his supporters are even more controversial and corrosive than the man himself and are just as easy to project hate onto and fear. If this corrosive truth in our country does not rise to the surface it simply cannot be healed.
I have always believed that what angers us is us. For example, I felt like someone had died when I awoke to the news that Trump was elected. I was not a fan of Hillary Clinton at all either, but I believed (as so many of us did) that if our country was able to elect a woman then we could take another step forward toward equality and acceptance. I was stewing in anger for a few days at Donald Trump, his supporters, the midwest - and slowly getting caught in the media's intent to feed on and arouse that sad, hopeless, hatred. Something they're quite successful at doing.
I took a breath and went into myself and thought: "Where is the misogynist, racist in me?". And you know what? I found him. I found the little boy who was raised in the suburbs of central Pennsylvania where anything feminine was a disgrace and, at one point, grew to despise women for letting abusive men take over their lives. I found the young boy who watched the news every night over dinner with my family and became entranced by the rhythmic, flickering electric light as it projected one black man's mugshot after another onto my tender head and heart with the words "dangerous", "thug" & "murder". I found the young man once seduced by marketing who wore cheap polyester clothing, drank out of plastic bottles, ate fast food, and didn't think twice about whether or not my goods came from an Indonesian sweatshop or a local artisan because I wanted to save a few bucks.
If found that man in me, took a deep breath, gave him a hug, and I chose to love him. This was my moment of breakthrough, my healing crisis had come to a halt. I felt completely transformed by compassion and love in that moment and I realized "Love trumps hate - even for Trump".
Donald Trump is a flawed person who's appearance has been wildly ridiculed and, at the same time, who's television series was watched by over 30 million Americans. I am in no way standing by him or agreeing in his personal opinions or views. I am, however, saying that I will choose to use this opportunity to challenge my own capacity for love and compassion for him and his supporters. Activism is important. So is action. Every day action. Every day dollar. Buy American-made, buy organic, stay away from plastic packaging that destroys our environment, don't watch television or listen to the local news station that speaks over every woman DJ in the room and comments about her lipstick color vs. the color of the landscape of her mind.
I am using Donald Trump to challenge myself to be more of a feminist, more of an environmentalist, & more of the change I want to see in my government. I am using this moment to remember that I am the government. No one governs me, but myself and my connection to Spirit. We can change the world if we can change ourselves. If we get distracted from ourselves (and Trump is a great distraction) we may lose everything we have worked for.
I write this with love to you all and hope that, by sharing my experience, you're left with some hope and inspiration.
In response to this, I am putting together a monthly group that meets for healing. It will be held near Woodstock. We will express our vulnerabilities, fears, and struggles as well as our joys, hopes, and achievements. My dear friend Lynida will lead us in a group meditation and then we will close with some chanting, crystal healing, and other energetic modalities to move the energy that we dislodged. It will be like group ritual to build strong sense of self and community. It will begin in January. If you wish to be part of this, please reply and let me know of anything you'd like to contribute. Those interested will be added to a list and I'll send dates and location as we approach January.
Thank you all for reading and please share your comments, truths, experiences, and wisdoms as well.
So, so, so much love,
Aemen and I were speaking about Soul Loss tonight and I felt inspired to write some thoughts about it. If you're unfamiliar with the term, I'll try to break it down. Though I'm unsure of the origin, I know many pagan peoples have used it over the span of time through different words, stories, and representations. Soul Loss is an event where the soul leaves the person. This is totally different than Spirit. Spirit is the connection to the divine, whereas Soul is our unique "fingerprint" that is us and only us. You can never truly lose your Spirit, but your Soul can fly away.
Trauma is the major catalyst for Soul Loss. I'm finding more and more that my clients, family, friends and others I encounter are dealing with Soul Loss. It's quite common actually. The media gets into our heads, our parents hurt us when we're children, our hearts get broken when we're forming our egos and sexual identities as teenagers, we feel isolated around technology - the list goes on and on.
All of these unavoidable events, in the modern world, are traumas. In the old world, proper rituals, rites of passages, and sacred practices would be used to help iron out the pain, make sense of the loss, and honor the new phase of one's life as an initiation to a more exciting chapter. There was more sense of community in the old world as well. A tight net of love and support to make us feel safe, secure, and accepted.
Soul Loss has so many symptoms: depression, weight gain, addiction, psychological blocks, disease, lack of identity, etc. Quite often, to retrieve one's Soul, it is important to make yourself feel secure, loved, and acceptable. I find in my own experience, as well as in the experiences of countless others, that a character is created when we're very young to protect us and guard our Soul so that we don't lose it during trauma. This character or this defense mechanism throws our Soul into a mason jar, tightens the lid, and hides it from us so well that we cannot remember where we put it, what it looks like, or how to get it back. This kind of Soul Loss requires us to learn how to trust ourselves, love ourselves more deeply, and truly believe that we deserve the best.
We have to use shamanic practices, psychological practices, and dietary practices to slowly make our Souls feel safe in our bodies again. We need our bodies to physically feel fit and powerful through a healthy diet. We need our emotional pool to be clean and pure by expressing what is underneath through art, talk therapy, crying, or intellectualize the situations. We also need some kind of sacred practice that releases the old self, the old patterns, and the old blocks through means of shamanic therapy, crystal healing, meditation, or hypnosis.
Working on the level of mind, body, and Spirit can heal so many things and return us to our original, beautiful states where we are unscathed, have a healthy ego, and can genuinely believe in and love ourselves. Once we accomplish this, we begin to treat others with that same compassion and love. It is then that our communities begin healing and our World begins healing.
Remember, we are all trying to keep in touch with our Souls each and every day. Through every shallow advertisement, every time we feel abandoned, when we lose someone special, when we are in a poor state of health, when we feel lonely - whenever we feel scared. If we can remember this, then we can truly have more patience with one another and ourselves.
This is just one simply idea of Soul Loss and Soul Recovery. Perhaps this image of our Winter creek can fill your eyes with beauty, your heart with rest, and your mind with ease.
What does paleo, vegan, raw, gluten-free, vegetarian, specific carbohydrate, weight watchers, and other diets all have in common? They all invite change. Change is the catalyst for moving Spirit.
In August I took part in a week-long retreat in the mountains of Vermont working with spirit, ritual, and magic. I was reminded of how spiritual we are as a people - naturally, without even trying. It reminded me how every one of us and everything we do are just expressions of Spirit. Plastic factories, lush meadows, oceans, paintings - all the ugly and all the beautiful just expressions of Spirit.
As a nutritionist, this led me to a very profound understanding that food is not our answer to balanced health. If it was, whole food diets would be silver bullets but they're not. It all depends on the individual's Spirit and what they're dealing with. What's being repressed must be expressed and will be expressed via rashes, tumors, joy, and love.
Now. don't get me wrong and think that I'm dismissing whole foods, or healthful eating. It's beyond important to eat healthfully and balanced - whatever that means to you. I feel that food moves the Spirit through the body, but if the issue is an emotion/psychological issue, which it usually is, food will only act as a sage smudge. It won't completely do away with the root cause it will just facilitate it and keep it from getting stuck and repressed.
I have recently begun integrating this Spirit philosophy into my work and the results are tremendous. Chips are not the problem, they're just a symptom. The real work and the real art is to find out why the emotional/spiritual self wants the chips and what they're feeding. The symptom of the chips is the cholesterol, weight gain, etc. The cause is the Spiritual/emotional issue. Is this making sense?
It's not just about a regimen to quit smoking or to lose weight. It's about going to a deep, dark place that's kept alive by the foods and thoughts. It's about confronting and working with the pain - which must be done with love and patience.
It is then that you learn to love and understand a whole new part of yourself. With that new wisdom comes a fantastic balance where you find yourself free of cravings, destructive thoughts, and physical pain. It is a state in which the Spirit is moving through you, rather than getting stuck and colliding within you.
What ways do you allow Spirit to express through you?
I've been seeing many people this week who are trying to heal from cancer. It's a disease that is very misunderstood and, from what I've experienced, is not the major cause of death. It's the treatment of cancer that is responsible for the death of people dealing with cancer. Radiation, chemotherapy, and harsh chemical pills all indiscriminantly kill the bacteria and life essence in our bodies. A woman I know who was being treated with a chemotherapy pill experienced internal bleeding when the pill burned a hole through her stomach and gave her painful ulcers in her throat. I've also worked with several people in the last month who have had most, or all, of their thyroid glands removed when a small tumor, or precancerous cell appeared. Double mastectomies (removal of the breasts) are even being performed as "preventative" surgeries for women who may run the risk of developing breast cancer.
Removing your breasts may, in fact, prevent breast cancer - but removing your brain will also prevent brain cancer! I don't see that as the solution to health. I feel for all of the women and men who give their breasts, reproductive organs, and other body parts to the surgeon to prevent, or remove, cancer from their bodies. We're looking at this as if our delicate bodies are the very cause of cancer, but I don't believe they are the cause of cancer. The body is simply reacting naturally to imbalance. Searching for, and identifying, what caused the imbalance is the most important step to healing from illness.
Chemtrails, radiation from cell phones and computers, poor diet, environmental pollution, plastic bottles, car exhaust, genetically modified foods, refined sugar, chemical preservatives, food colorings, synthetic perfumes, aluminum in deodorant, tight bras or other accessories that cut off lymph circulation, overcooked protein, aflatoxins in peanuts, cashews, and pistachios, one's emotional state, and hundreds, if not thousands, of other factors must be taken into account to identify the cause of cancer and other diseases.
It takes a lot of personal meditation and consideration to find the root of one's illness. My partner, Aemen Bell, believes, as many traditional herbalists believe, that disease is a prophet or guru that comes to us and forces us to go inside and reflect on our lives, our choices, and discover what our spirits and bodies want. It could take a few months to learn this lesson, or it could take a whole lifetime. I believe that true health and happiness is attained once we learn the lesson of our spirits. When we go to doctors for surgery, radiation, and deadly prescriptions we are, essentially, killing this prophet. We are literally cutting ourselves off from learning the important lessons about our bodies and our health. I am thankful that I have never had a life-threatening illness, but I was close to it and would have, without a doubt, developed one had I not listened to my body.
I had spent all of my childhood and young adulthood with severe illnesses. I developed sinus infections on a monthly basis and would be bed ridden for days. The antibiotics that were given to me created digestive issues that led to severe blood toxicity, fevers, and dehydration. I would often lose consciousness and become hospitalized until the saline drip brought me back to life and I was sent home. I then developed asthma and had to carry an inhaler around with me everywhere I went. My condition worsened and I found myself on a nebulizer machine, breathing in harsh steroids for thirty minutes 2-3 times a day. I then developed severe cystic acne and, after a year of harsh chemical face washes, I was prescribed Accutane to deal with my condition. The medication destroyed my liver and, ten years later, manifested as a bleeding, painful rash on my scalp and face known as sebaceous dermatitis. I had a hard time swallowing food and underwent tests at a gastroenterologist which showed that I had scar tissue in my throat from acid reflux. When I asked what caused the acid reflux he said "The acid" and handed me a prescription before hurrying out of the room to medicate his next patient. It was then that I decided to fully reject the medical establishment.
I listened to conventional doctors for nearly twenty years and found myself becoming more ill, taking more prescriptions, and becoming more dependent on the medical system. I even followed the advice of naturopaths for several years and found myself on dozens of supplements and food plans that didn't agree with my own philosophy. It wasn't until I began studying nutrition, reading hundreds of books and articles about food and health, testing supplements and herbs on my own body, trying dozens of dietary philosophies, working in health food stores, and apprenticing with other practitioners that I began to find my own inner guidance. I learned what foods, herbs, energies, lifestyle choices, and spiritual beliefs made me healthier and which ones made me sick. My illnesses were my gurus and once I finally started listening to them I was able to completely reverse my "irreversable" diseases and totally heal my body without any medications whatsoever.
The most important thing that I'm realizing is that health is a moving, changing creature. Our bodies and our spirits are constantly changing, shifting, and adapting to our environments. The same foods, herbs, and daily rituals that I healed from are not necessarily the same ones I will continue to be healthy with. It is because of this constant changing environment within us that we must learn to listen to our bodies so that we can grow with them and give them what they need as they shift and adapt to new environments . A friend of mine once said "The only absolute truth is that there are no absolute truths". He couldn't be more right!
So I ask you to really listen to your body. Settle into it. Feel how your stomach reacts to the food you put in it, how your skin looks every morning. Notice how your lungs feel when you walk and run. Notice your emotional state before and after eating. You do not have to be a monk to be mindful, you just have to turn off your distractions (phones, radios, computers, televisions) so that you can be aware of your feelings and not preoccupied with someone else's idea of what you should be feeling. If you seek a practitioner or shaman, the best one will be someone who opens you up to yourself and guides through your own path.
Every day I hear from my clients that the more wholesome they eat the more sensitive they become. This is especially true about raw food diets. Personally, I know that I become extremely emotionally sensitive and completely intolerant of anything industrial when I'm eating completely unprocessed foods from the Earth. The Earth speaks to those who are listening. Native Americans have this idea that the pain of the Earth is channelled through its people. This, they say, explains why so many people are depressed, sick, and have unwanted hate in their hearts.
Considering all of this, it is not too far fetched to believe that the more Earth you put inside of you, the more Earth you invoke. Living in New York City is very challenging for someone like me that finds a deep connection to the ancient roots of the Earth, as well as for someone who is eating a whole-Earth diet. Now, I am aware that everything is Earth-based but I'm also aware that we, mankind, are learning new ways every day to separate ourselves from our planet. This is, of course, only a temporary way of living - for you cannot live too long without a heart.
I am, however, intrigued with the idea of geography versus diet. Globalization of media and food has, undoubtedly, unified many people around the world but it has also homogenized our cultures into one world culture. I'm not particularly fond of that idea. If it wouldn't have been for Peruvian Indians we wouldn't have ever understood the need to gelatinize the maca root for better absorption, the Native Americans taught us the Three Sisters garden in which squash, corn, and beans grow together in an almost miraculous synergy (not to mention the mixing of certain vegetal foods to create complete amino acids), and the Mexican Indians taught us how to transform corn into masa so that we could better digest the precious B vitamins in the kernel.
These culinary breakthroughs may have taken thousands of years to learn. They learned this all by listening to the land. This was their land. They knew these plants and they studied them well - with very primitive technology might I add. When you take in foods from the Earth, the Earth speaks to you. There is spirit in every living thing. Can one really hear the brazil nut spirit in New York City? Superfoods may have super health benefits, but how much does their production affect the health of the small village where that food is grown?
I may have strayed from my original point, but I believe this fact is vital in understanding the importance of the initial theory I was discussing: the more Earth we eat the more Earth we feel. It is important to understand this. When you switch to a diet that is full of whole, individual fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, nuts, seeds, and seaweeds you may feel a new, intense connection to our Earth. Science has proven that the food we eat affects everything from our DNA to our thought patterns. This literally translates into: you are what you eat.
Eating fast food means your body is now made of fast food. It holds the spirit of that food. It's no wonder why it causes heart disease, hypertension, anxiety, and obesity. For each hamburger we eat, we lose 55 acres of rainforest*. The destruction of the forest, indigenous communities, the Earth, and the wild animals of that forest live in karmic spirit within these corporate foods. We aren't just dying from heart attacks because of the malnutrition of these foods - we're dying from broken hearts because of what was sacrificed, even unbeknownst to us, for these foods!
Now, if you eat a burger from a farm that came from your town, from a small, organic farmer you may know, or better yet from a grass-fed cow you have met, you are changing your spirit by changing your connection to the food you eat. The same goes for commercially grown vegetables. If the crop is from Monsanto, your body will deal with the emotional repercussions that come with the bad business practices of Monsanto. It's like building a church with stolen money. It doesn't make much sense.
If you live in a city, make it a point to only shop at farmer's markets and small independently owned health food stores and shops that sell locally made foods, clothing, and other necessities. You will be strengthening the community around you and you will most likely feel less anxious and depressed than if you were eating foods that were unjustly produced from all around the world without your control.
Globalization unifies us on one level, but it divides us because we cannot begin to feel the affects that mass production has on other cultures and societies. We can, however, feel the affects of our own communities and be responsible for them by supporting farmers and small businesses in our own towns. This is, I believe, the only way we can keep our Earth healthy and continue living into the future of a fast-growing society.
*Smithsonian Institution, "Smithsonian Researchers Show Amazonian Deforestation Accelerating," Science Daily Online, 15 Jan. 2002. (2)Earth Talk, "The Environmental Beef With Meat," The Bay Weekly, 6 Jan. 2005.
It's so easy to mistaken an angel for a villain. It's like when someone says "it was a blessing in disguise". The same is true for angels. They don't always remember what they're doing here, why they're here, or what their purpose is. You may be one of them. They may be clad in white, nearly hovering over the ground with a serene smile that awakens us from our hopeless slumbers OR they may look like Nicholas Cage in some familiar Meg Ryan romantic drama about mortality, walking through the city streets with trench coats sun glasses, and unremarkable hairlines. We experience them every day, but I doubt they fit either of the above descriptions.
They're usually the angry boss, volatile ex-lover, abusive parent, school bully - someone who is creating such an intense environment that it forces us to reconcile parts of us and quickly leave for a more harmonious situation. I once had a job with an extremely toxic boss & for one whole year, each day that went by felt like an eternal Hell that would never end. Aemen said "Remember when you place garlic over a wart & the wart dies and falls out? He is your garlic". A smelly, sulfurous, burning, intense, bulbous....yeah - sounds like him!
So I thought about it more and decided that, yes, he was my angel. He was showing me that I reached my limit, that I had graduated from that part of my life. I could keep taking the same test every day, wearing the same clothing, and expecting the same outcome or I could use what I had learned and turn it into something new, uncharted, scary, and invigorating.
Well, that's just what I did. I created my own business with my own rules, my own schedule, and my own dress code. I was empowered, happy, broke as hell, and completely re-inspired. He was my angel. He was taking on all the parts of myself that I had run from in the past or that I still struggled with, my shadow or "dark" parts, and he was bringing them to the light.
This is what an angel does. They, usually unbeknownst to them, are brought into our lives to live out in an intense, concentrated fashion everything we hate or fear about ourselves. They show it to the public and to us. We, of course, recoil from them, gossip about them, dislike them, and, because of this, are continuously surrounded by them because, until we love them, we will never escape them. Because we can never escape ourselves.
Life is reflective. Angels are depicted as white, glowing lights - like mirrors. They are, in fact, walking mirrors. When we dislike someone or feel so invaded by someone, it is because we are being confronted with the parts of ourselves that are vulnerable, weak, and hidden. These angels are living a hard life. They are embodying little parts of us all the time. It's a full time job for them. It doesn't have to be for us.
Sending them love sends us love and then that part of ourselves that felt ugly, horrible, or ashamed can feel love. This is true unconditional love and it nourishes us to the core more than any food ever could. Like smoke from Sage, it frees that part of ourselves into the air, the ether, the cosmos and creates space within us for intervention.
Who are your angels?
One of the best parts of living with a shaman is that I get to experience all these impromptu healings. Last night Aemen finished a brand new elixir that she made especially for a woman who experienced sexual trauma. It's called Healing Chalice. It's a synergy of herbs, flower essences, and crystal essences into which she invoked all the prayers from all the women in the world for all the women in the world.
I was taking a very hot, very needed salt bath with warm candles and spruce oil when she came in and asked if she could add the gem essences for her new blend to my bath. The timing was amazing because I was currently listening to a song I had recorded earlier in the week titled Cowboys which was about healing my sexuality and past issues that I had dealt with as a young man. I'll be candid: I was extremely promiscuous in my teens and early twenties - to a debilitating degree. I let just about anyone into my sexual energy and I often felt ravaged, exhausted, and more alone than just being alone.
I wrote an album in 2009 called The Man Who Fell In Love With The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon inspired by a book called The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon. The book was such a wild, shamanic, poetic explanation to a generation of men and people being born two-spirited with defined masculine and feminine roles and where they absence of their fathers really traumatized and wounded them deeply into their hearts and DNAs.
So as I'm re-recording the songs for digital release and listening to a specific one about healing sexuality Aemen asks me if I'd like her Healing Chalice blend for my second chakra. I nearly imbibed the whole load! Instead, I let her calmly pour the cold water over my very hot pelvis and, like sage smoke, I felt it creeping its cold, deep tentacles through every single pore in my sexual organs and waist. It felt very healing, very cleansing, and I did a small prayer and let the bath water, which was know holding old, stuck energy, empty deep into the ground.
I dried off from the bath, cuddled on the couch with Aemen, jotted down some ideas, and drank a fresh, hot cup of dandelion root tea before going off to bed. Then I dreamt a long, deep, healing dream. My mother was driving a long van-like vehicle that had a steering wheel and windshield in the back and front (duality/sharing power). My father and I were in the back and he was entertaining me by pretending to drive the car, but my mother had dismantled his wheel so her's was the only functioning one. The car gently transformed into this tiny pod-like capsule that only my father and I could fit in. We were intimately snugged together as he drove us through these long, dark stone walls that seemed to go hundreds of feet into the ground. Much like a labyrinth. We kept going deeper, darker, and in greater circles, turns, and spellbinding patterns but I never felt scared or worried we'd be lost. He made me feel so safe, so secure. We were having so much fun.
We eventually returned above ground and, as we hurried home to meet my mother for her birthday, I realized that two realms were intertwining. The realm of 2004 and the current realm of 2015. I was about to go to a birthday party with my ex-fiance and everyone from my "old life" that I no longer felt connected to while I knew just across the border in New York was my new, magical life with Aemen and our soon-to-be baby, friends, business, and mountains. My father, Aemen, and I sat in a beach house and ate crab and lobster sandwiches while trying to figure out a way I could break it to everyone that I was from a future realm and I couldn't be part of their experience anymore.
Then I woke up.
What a chalice of healing!!! My dream was not just a dream, but a reawakening and total ritual for my Spirit and, most likely, DNA. That long, dark, stone-walled, labyrinth was no doubt the abandoned and even shamed parts of my sexuality, mind, and Spirit that my father walked through with me an healed. You see, I only grew up in a matriarch. My mother, aunt, and grandmothers were all I had for most of my childhood. Without a father, one never gets initiated into manhood, male sexuality, and all the power and healing that comes with it. One never learns what to do with that solar torch of puberty. Without fathers, we don't know how to honor it, control it, or use it to heal. The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon has a character name Shed who is a fatherless Ingin boy and a prostitute and along comes Dellwood Barker who is a handsome, bi-sexual Cowboy who teaches him how to use his sexual energy for love and healing - to the extent that they use his semen at one point in the book to save their friend's amputated legs.
The book is an intense drama of the "piss in the wind" because they don't have the father, the male elders, to pass them the torch and teach them how to use it. In my dream last night, my father finally passed me the torch and I was able to cut away my old realm once and for all and enter my current one fully with a more developed heart and a more deeply healed sacral chakra.
The second chakra is so different from the first. The first (root chakra) is male energy. It's a dagger, it's physical, it's explosive, it's focused and motivated and good at accomplishing, grounding, and being material. The second chakra (sacral) is like a chalice or a bowl. It's a place of healing, feminine waters. It's female sexuality. Male sexuality is the explosive catalyst: powerful, fast, and life affirming. Female sexuality is the actual creation. It's slow, deep, nurturing, and has the ability to use the male energy to then build a whole new body for a whole new Spirit, or hold the pain of others and let their feminine waters wash it clean. Healing the second chakra can mean healing sexual traumas, healing the relationship between inspiration and action, healing the feminine parts of us and activating them, and becoming deeper, slower, and more connected to our intuition.
Sexual abuse is such a general term. It can take on many forms depending on a person's boundaries. For me, I thought it was impossible. I thought because I had no sexual boundaries that I was exempt from the possibility of becoming sexually wounded. The truth is, having no sexual boundaries was my form of sexual abuse - self inflicted. It wasn't the strangers, dysfunctional love triangles, affairs, or my absent father. It was how I identified with sex. I separated my heart and emotions from my physical body. Looking back, it was because I would have had a breakdown if I was in touch with my emotions at the time, so I had to shut them out. Storing my heart away while being intimate for so many years induced a form of soul loss in me. I was totally lost. I didn't know how to feel love and I especially didn't know how to express love with my body. That's all changed now.
Now the heart can orgasm. Now the tears can flow when I feel sad, insecure, or ecstatic and inspired! Now I am able to put my ego aside and be a vulnerable person. I feel so blessed to have this intense relationship with Aemen, to have incredible healers and friends in my life, and have the willingness to be open enough to let go of my ego and heal what is wounded. To relinquish shame - that sticky, messy substance that keeps us stuck in time feeling hopeless and obstructing our view to our greater selves. Most of all, I feel honored that a new soul has chose Aemen and I to be their parents and I am so thrilled to walk with them through life and pass them every torch that I've since learned how to light.
While writing and thinking of my dream, I couldn't help but hear the song How To Be Invisible by Kate Bush. Have a listen if you'd like.
"Are those two people over there actually my REAL parents?"
- Laurie Anderson in "Another Day In America"
Aemen and I are about to be parents any day. She is fully pregnant, past her due date, and growing in anticipation as each day presents a new sensation that may be labor and that veil between the worlds, like her cervix, gets thinner and thinner slowly initiating this new soul into a human body and a human world. I had the feeling one day that we come from a magical spirit place and when we're born our minds keep us from remembering the details of that world. A dear friend of ours then had a similar insight, separate from mine, and felt the baby asking her (through the astral plane) for a specific crystal. So she bought it and brought it to our home so that the baby will have a physical object that, hopefully, will help them remember some things for the spirit world as they grow and live on a physical plane that, for most children, can feel strange and mundane - especially for the institutionalized children in the public school systems!
I sit back and cry sometimes out of happiness and relief that my child is being born into a community of spiritual, artist, and creative people who weave magic into their daily lives and honor the sacred feminine of the Goddess through Earth rituals and overall constant appreciation and blessings.
I was raised in the suburbs. I was raised around hospitals, schools, the news, fast food, shopping malls, corporations and, besides my mother keeping my spirit alive as best she could, there was no magic. I remember the strong feeling that my family is not my real family. I had a walk-in when I was 16 which is when another spirit, or your higher self, steps into your body and mind so that you can follow your true path or higher calling. It's like waking up. I remember it. I remember waking up and thinking " Oh wow, here I am! Was my entire life a dream?". I actually felt reconnected to my child self. The imaginative, hopeful, innocent, pansexual creature that just loved people, life, and felt loved by people and life. I immediately left home and embarked on a journey to find my Rainbow Family.
I knew that my Rainbow Family was in New York City. I knew my whole life. After a few years of trial and error, lots of hardship, lots of therapy, and lots of fun I found Aemen Bell at, of all places, an herbal apothecary. We connected immediately. I remember feeling like we played together as kids and had been reunited as adults again - even though we'd never met before then. The magical thing was that she sold her gem essences in a store in a whole other state and town that I happened to apprentice in several years before I even moved to New York City and met her. You see, the great Spirit was already weaving the tapestry for me to fall into my Rainbow Family.
Aemen taught me a lot about the Rainbow Family. It's your true family, your spirit family. Our blood families bring us here. It's their job to call us in from the stars and manifest us into physical form, care for us, and let us blossom into who and what we want to be. Often times, our blood families do not understand our spirits, interests, or even us. The Rainbow Family always does. The Rainbow Family is the friend that you feel you already know well without speaking. The person who lets you explore every deep and dark corner of yourself without judgement or fear. The person who doesn't load expectations or guilt on you. Your Rainbow Family is connected to their Spirits and understands that you're just reuniting again on this Earthly plane.
For some of you who are lucky enough to have the Rainbow Family in your bloodlines - celebrate them! It is a beautifully rare occurrence and should be nurtured and appreciated. For those of you who know you don't belong or you're simply not getting what you need emotionally and spiritually from your family, just divorce them. Walk away from whatever arrangement you think you should be fulfilling and only meet them where you can. If you can only nod while they talk about the news throughout dinner, then nod away. Find love where you can, but don't expect love from where you can't. The insanity, the pain, the trauma - all these things come from trying to force someone to love you a specific way. Leave the guilt behind of abandoning your family and embrace the pleasure of growing wings and flying into the big rainbow hug of your new community and family.
I knew finding Aemen was a big deal. We've been insuperable for over 5 years (even when we couldn't stand the sight of each other) and we both moved to Woodstock to find a community, our Rainbow Family. We found more than we could ever wish for. We found endless colorful people who's hearts are so deep, full, and resounding with pure unconditional love for us and these gorgeous mountain lands where we reside. It feels like a tribe. It is like a tribe.
Go, find your tribe.