Good morning friends,

You can all imagine how many people walk into my office crying, enraged, and in total fear just from listening to NPR on the way here in their cars. Whether it's a sexual assault hearing, a Donald Trump speech, or something on someone's Instagram feed - triggers abound!

Understanding what a trigger is and what to do with it is life changing. It shows us what's left in us, what's unresolved, what residue still exists from past trauma and stressful experiences that is rising up to be heard and resolved. 

A trigger is anything that stimulates a feeling, emotion or thought we're already carrying around. For example, many women in my practice are finding the president very triggering because, to them, he represents all the oppressive and painful experiences that they have had with men. A trigger is an opportunity for an outside stimulus to bring something up in you that has yet to be fully dealt with. Essentially, until the trigger vanishes you're carrying it around.

This is not to say we put up with abuse or blame ourselves for our reactions. What I am saying is the reaction is ours and it's informed by our own traumas that deserve attention. Triggers are our bodies trying to communicate and connect with us, but it's easy to turn them into a projection onto another entity, which literally translates into giving your energy, your power to someone else. 

So what do we do? I have found 4 steps that work really well for me and others in my practice:

1) Feel
2) Identify
3) Understand
4) Uncouple & Re-organize

Feel the trigger. Notice where it lands in your body, what it feels like, if it spreads or if it stays in one area. Is it the same area every time? Notice how your body physically responds to the trigger so we can make it less about the trigger and more about you. After all, that's the most immediate and practical change that can take place - the war within the self.

Identify what's being triggered. Feel the tension in the belly, the heaviness in the chest, the tightening of your jaw and send your breath into it. Use the sensation to identify its origin. Find the phrase that triggered the sensation, the thought, the fear. Often times a memory or a person will come up, just follow it without linear reasoning or intellect. It's your body showing you information.

Understand why this is your trigger. Why does a phrase make you nauseous? If it's a phrase that triggers you, try to find out what part of your life or yourself it brings up. If it's a person, try to find where a person like this has been in your life. If your body showed you a memory or an image, understand why that visual or memory is associated with this stressful sensation in the body. Take your time. This can take days to weeks.

Uncouple the triggered feeling/emotion/thought from the trigger. A real life example: I had a client the day after Trump was elected and they felt completely frozen, hated Trump, were totally traumatized by his Presidential win. After doing these steps with me, their body showed them that Trump triggered memories of abuse from their father. It was so deep and, once we uncovered it, we were able to uncouple and re-organize the body's complex emotions around all of this. The result was their ability to, when triggered by Trump, relocate their emotions back to their own father and do therapy around that. Gradually, healing around the father trauma took priority and now this person doesn't even flinch when they hear a Trump statement or rally because they know it's about their father, not the president.

I know from my own traumas and doing this work that there is a depth of freedom that we all have the ability to experience. Questioning our triggers, using self inquiry, and listening with a humble curiosity as to why does this person or thing cause me pain instead of "knowing" that this person or thing is my pain is the difference between disempowerment and empowerment.

I have the rare privilege of making a living from witnessing other people breakthrough and heal their own lives. It's really phenomenal and I've only recently allowed myself to accept it and feel so much gratitude toward my clients and myself for manifesting it.

I want to share all this wisdom I experience with the world, through a book, through webinars, but the thought of that has stressed me out and overwhelmed me. So I turn to you, my reader, on my humble mailing list and offer you the jewels I've gathered and held onto. Some I've found myself, someI've been graciously and courageously given to by others. Today, I write about expectations.

Expectations are amazing. There is no quicker way to distract you from the moment than with an expectation. To have an expectation, we have to project an idea or an image onto something or someone. An idea or an image that hasn't happened yet. Most of the time, it never will happen. Sometimes, it does. Still, every free minute of your experience leading up to that moment is spent processing and reacting to the expectation. 

Stress, fear, anger, doubt, worry, anxiety - all stem from expectations. PTSD is an expectation that something traumatic will happen again. Disappointment comes from someone or something (or ourselves) not living up to our expectations. Fear is expecting something horrible is going to happen. Insecurity comes from expecting to be like something or someone else.

Expectations limit our experiences, rather than open us up. Without expectations we're curious, interested, inspired, learning, and in a place of love. It's simple: we can understand and love, or we can defend and fear and hate. 

Letting go of expectations is a practice I have every second as a father. I have so many expectations of my daughter running through my head, expectations for all of her friends, and expectations of myself as a parent. When I let go and open up to all possibilities, I'm able to love her in every moment and am instantly more connecting. When I'm expecting I'm really just projecting and evaluating, rather than observing and connecting.

I truly love the work of Byron Katie. She's one of the great masters of self-inquiry. Learning to question your ego and the thoughts that come up when we think of others, ourselves, and our world. If I could offer anything, I would encourage everyone to do 'The Work' which is a formula of self-inquiry to open our minds and surprise our egos. This page gives you everything you need: http://thework.com/en.

The hardest, yet most satisfying thing is to open up our ideas of life and not limit ourselves with expectations. It is then we can be vulnerable, open, surprised, inspired, curious, and in loving connections to ourselves and everything around us.

Men and women deserve equal opportunities. Earning money, having a career, voting, the right to choose - these opportunities should be equal regardless of race, gender, and sexuality. Women have come a long way in the last 50 years. The sexes spend more time together than ever before. Look at tribes, traditional families, and the 1950s household. Women stay with women, and men stay with men. This is the first time in the history of the society that we spend so much time together and switch roles. It’s a brilliant experiment whose time has come, but we must move into it with proper understanding of one fundamental fact: men and women are different.

Plain and simple. We are biologically, spiritually, and intellectually different. Dismissing these biological differences creates unrealistic expectations on men and women and widens the gap between the sexes, making it impossible to learn how to co-exist peacefully and enjoyably. I see this in heterosexual couples that I counsel. Once they learn to accept their biological differences, an incredible amount of understanding and beautiful, almost unreal communication and connection enters like never before. And it stays.

We understand that women are dominated by estrogen and men are dominated by testosterone. These two hormones greatly affect how we act as sexual, physical, intellectual, and emotional beings. Camille Paglia is a radical liberal feminist whose work I absolutely love. She has two theories I stand behind:

Estrogen is a secure hormone of the nurturer, whereas testosterone is the insecure hormone of the creator. Simply put: women have their sense of identity upon their first period and men create their identity largely through accomplishments and proving their work. I know this to be true just from being a man, and by the work I do with men and women. It doesn’t mean women cannot achieve and men cannot be secure. It simply suggests that the dominant hormone tends to greatly influence how we respond, react, and interact with our community/society/world. Men are driven hormonally to prove themselves in a way most (not all) women are not.

2) Sexuality is subconscious, primitive, and somatic. Which means it is happening in the body long before it enters the conscious mind. This is especially true for men, again, hormonally. Men in America (and possibly everywhere now) have lost the brotherhood. Once a coven of elders, fathers, uncles, and brothers who facilitated rites of passages into manhood, these groups helped young men develop platonic intimacy with their fellow man, security in their masculinity, and helped them understand their sexual powers and how to control them with boundaries.

The brotherhood has since been replaced with movies like American Pie and other media renditions of the modern young man. Beer guzzling, arrogant, ignorant and over sexualized to the point of utter insecurity and desperation. This is what we feed our boys. This and wrestling. A hyper masculinized culture, mixed with testosterone, is a breeding ground for out of control sexuality and a complete lack of awareness of one’s sexual energy and boundaries. A woman walks in a room feeling liberated in a sensual, beautiful outfit and a man’s somatic body and unconscious mind is thinking: sex. Once this is understood a major shift can take place.

Our dismissal of these biological differences and how they affect us has created a villainous archetype for all men through shame and judgement, while largely underestimating women’s abilities to protect themselves and be powerful. Garrsion Keilor once said “A world without sexual harassment is a world without flirting”. And he was right. Someone’s personal rejection or offensive take of another’s sexual, intellectual, or physical energy doesn’t mean they’ve been harassed. It just means they’re not sharing the same reality. Most cases are innocent mistakes, and the media is forcing us to label it harassment and pick sides.

Bureaucracy, authority, and government is standing between men and women. We can see this with the recent sexual harassment allegations when the formerly mentioned MPR host Garrison Kiellor is fired, defamed, and his looks are ridiculed on TV because of one allegation before he’s even been found guilty. Removing due process is a fundamental pillar of a fascist country. Even a police officer who badly injures or kills another human being retains their positions until due process finds them guilty or not guilty. Being offensive or offended is not a crime.

Free people have the right to express and reject anything they wish. The words we use, the mannerisms we speak with, the way we communicate with touch - these vital, sensual, somatic expressions make us human. The large capacity for error, awkwardness, and offensiveness is part of our experience and to remove that would be like removing your brain to prevent depression. We need to understand the difference between sexual harassment and bad boundaries.

When someone uses sex (or any other condition for that matter) as a threat to your life or your job then yes - you have been harassed and threatened. This should be reported immediately and investigated. Often, when it’s sexual, the person being harassed is met with such shame (especially if they gave in) and that shame freezes us because it’s traumatic. This is when you seek a therapist or healer to help you clear the shame and trauma, move through it safely, then take action when you feel ready.

On the opposite spectrum, when someone has bad sexual boundaries (no threats, just actions) or you have a full-on affair with your boss because they are well known, can give you a raise, or for any other intimidating or gaining purpose - this is not sexual harassment. This is simply bad boundaries and it should be met with a firm “no” or a nice big slap in the face. End of story. I know plenty of people in these situations - I’ve been in them myself when I worked at a gay piano bar in the West Village! You just say no and walk away. If the person continues, then he or she has entered the realm of harassment and needs to be reported.

There are sadistic, psychopathic people in this world who have no clue about reality and they have no gauge or empathy for how they’re affecting others - some who even want to do harm. These people are dangerous and make up the bulk of sex offenders. Then, there are men and women who are sharing pheromonal (hormones emitted that send subconscious, somatic signals from one person to another) space and neither of them have a clue about their sexual power over one another, as well as their sexual boundaries. They are innocent and ignorant. Do not confuse the ignorant with the psychopathic. This is what we’re doing and it’s creating a war among men and women, and a huge mob that is defaming, ridiculing, and ruining people’s lives.

I reject this out of love and compassion, for I do not believe in mob rule. The Witches of the 17th century, Native Americans, Japanese, Jews, African Americans, Muslims - there’s always a new villain who is stoned by the mob. We need to understand that what we fear is what we unknowingly are. It’s a shadow part from our past, or simply unexplored within ourselves. We are many things made of everything. We are multi-dimensional. We have judged, and we will be judged. We have hated, we will be hated, We have loved, and we will be loved. This is true empathy and compassion. This is the way to heal this.
Understanding we are all of the same nature, of light and dark, of ignorant and enlightened. This humility, this humble perspective connects us so deeply and so sincerely with one another so that we can stop creating enemies and we can start understanding where someone is coming from, having compassion for their own pain, and at the same time realizing our own power and self worth so we can create our futures without bureaucracies doing it for us, and without the news and the headlines telling us how we should feel and who we should hate next. As Richard Bach so beautifully wrote: hate is love without all the facts.

I want to close by saying that sexual abuse, assault and rape should never be justified or tolerated. These are serious violent offenses that stretch beyond bad boundaries, harassment, and ignorance. These are intentional crimes against someone and their body. If you or someone you know is confused between what’s been done to them, it’s important to reach out to a therapist or healer that works with sexual abuse. In safe space, you can reclaim your innocence and make sense of what was done. Then you will find your next step to healing from it.

I recommend that everyone reading this write down the following ingredients: soaked mung beans, brown rice, onions, garlic, ginger, and curry powder. Okay, the hard part is over. Now all you do is simply throw everything into a pot, simmer for 45 minutes, and eat it for three days. That's it? That's it!


Traditionally, it consists of yellow split mung beans, however I like to use green mung beans that are soaked and/or sprouted for deeper detoxification properties. I also find these more effective for the modern world than the split version (which yields less enzymes than the sprouted green beans) when it comes to cleansing. 

Kitcheree is an ayurvedic and yogic traditional dish that works to balance the digestive system, detoxify the body, and cleanse the mind. It does this in very simple, yet profound ways.

The Trinity Roots

Garlic, ginger, and onions are powerful alone but when you combine them in a dish, you create a high sulfur, high selenium, and high antioxidant formula that helps to increase circulation, move out old lymphatic fluid and wastes, greatly reduce inflammation, and detoxifying the tissues in the body. When you combine curry powder, which contains turmeric, with these you amplify its ability to reduce inflammation. Sulfur is also a collagen generator which creates new beautiful skin, strong ligaments, and flexible bones - which you want!

Mung Beans and Brown Rice

Not only are mung beans highly detoxifying, they are also cooling for the body, good for your liver, they act as a diuretic, and are even good for recovering alcoholics (Paul Pitchford, Healing With Whole Foods). Mung beans are one of the easiest beans to digest, yielding no gas or bloating - especially when they're soaked and even more so when they're sprouted. Combine them with nourishing, cleansing, and pH balancing brown rice and you have yourself a complete protein that strengthens, heals, and detoxifies the body without messing with blood sugar levels. This is ideal for diabetics and hypoglycemics. 

Mono-Diet

The foundation of a kitcheree cleanse is, essential, mono-dieting. This occurs when one eats only one type of food or one type of dish consistently for several days to several months. Mono-dieting allows the body's digestive organs to anticipate which enzymes need to be made so that digestion can become faster and more efficient. Once the body is used to eating the same food, those organs (liver, gallbladder, pancreas) can finish digesting early, get more rest, and turn more of their energy toward self-cleansing, restoration, and regeneration. 

Cleansing The Palate 

Eating simple food without salt, sugars, and oils cleanses the palate and, the longer the mono-diet is endured, the more sensitive your taste buds will become to these foods when they are included in your diet again. This is helpful, as it makes one less tolerant for overly fatty, salty, and sweet things. 

Cleansing The Mind

This is, without a doubt, the most challenging aspect of any cleanse. When you're eating only kitcheree you are free from the distraction of what to cook, or what to eat, or what to buy. You're free from the constant nagging voice in your head that wants you to satisfy your sweet tooth, or snack on something to make it through a task you're working on. The freedom from these distractions sounds lovely, but it can be quite hard to deal with. When we're not distracted AND we're cleansing years of chemicals and feelings from our bodies we tend to become irritated, panicked, emotional, anxious, angry, and just about every other emotion one can think of.

Prepare

For a successful cleanse, it is vital to have support from your friends and family. You have to set up something for yourself to focus on that isn't food oriented. Don't start a cleanse if you're about to embark on a stressful project, or are going away for one week to your favorite place with all your favorite foods. I love to cleanse when I have several days away from work and people, and I can just compose music all day, read books, hike, go on walks, and simply take it easy. Not being bound by time or aware of time is extremely helpful during a cleanse as well, since we're so time-programmed as to when we should eat and snack.

Start

So, you think you're ready to try a kitcheree cleanse? I think you are too! It's so easy and delightful that you may become addicted to it, which is entirely perfect! One can do a kitcheree cleanse for several weeks to several months. Your body will tell you when it's craving something new. For my kitcheree recipe, go here. You can use the individual spices I have on that page, or you can simply use 1-2 tbsp. of curry powder instead. Either one will be beneficial. Just make sure your curry powder is salt-free.

Once you make your kitcheree, eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 3-10 days. You do not need to worry about coming off the cleanse in any specific fashion since you're already eating. Just be gentle and do not eat portions that are too filling for the first few days. To speed up the cleanse, replace breakfast with raw fruit or herbal tea and only eat kitcheree for lunch and dinner. Steamed vegetables or salads can be served on the side with kitcheree as long as you stick to the guidelines of no oil, no salt, and no sugar. 

Eating your way to being more fit, creative, young, healthier, and energetic is certainly one of my favorite ways to transform my body. I hope this information helps to transform yours.